Jordy Verrill
Jordy Verril was a backwoods farmer with bad luck. When a meteor the size of a basketball crashed onto his property one night he decided his luck had finally changed for the better and decided to sell it to the local university, intending to use the money to pay off a bank loan.
Like an idiot, he touched it and burned his fingers. Deciding to cool the meteor off, he got a bucket of water and doused it. And we all know what happens when something really hot gets doused with cold water. Suffice to say the meteor cracked in half, much to Jordy's horror, and also began to ooze some bluish slime. Too dumb to realize that the university would likely take even a fractured meteor, Jordy said, "Maybe I can glue it together in the morning." Jordy got some of the blue slime on himself as he picked up the halves of the space rock and plunked them into the bucket.
Trudging back into the house, setting the bucket down on the front porch on his way, he plopped down in his chair and drank a beer while he watched a wrestling match on TV. Minutes later, the meteor's impact crater started to sprout weird plantlife. The bucket and the meteor itself also began to sprout the strange mossy stuff. Pretty soon Jordy noticed that his fingers where he touched the meteor were growing green crud. Initially he thought of going to the doctor, but changed his mind after having a fearful daydream that the doctor will amputate his fingers (Jordy has many such daydreams, each one more ridiculous than the last).
So it grew and grew, and Jordy began to look like a human Chia Pet. Outside, the plants had now covered his entire yard, his porch, even his car. Desperate to get his mind off the current situation, Jordy got drunk and fell asleep in front of the TV. When he woke up, the alien plantlife had invaded his house and is grown on his chair, the TV, etc. Worse, he now had grown a plant "beard." After getting a look at himself in the mirror he for some reason decided to take a bath.
His father suddenly appeared as a ghostly reflection in the bathroom mirror and warned him not to get into the water. "It's the water that it wants, Jordy. Don't you know that? You get in that tub, you might as well sign your death warrant!" Jordy however figured he was "a goner" anyway, and after his father's ghost vanished he spent a good while standing there staring at the water before finally losing his balance and falling into the tub. "Oh, that feels better!" he said. "Ah, better!"
The next morning, his entire house and surrounding property have become choked with the plants, and so is he. Apparently it wasn't exactly the best feeling thing in the world, as when he awakened from sleeping on the floor Jordy-Plant immediately gets his shotgun. Begging the Powers-That-Be to let his luck change for the better, he got his wish and successfully blew his mossy head off.
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Jordy appeared in The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill.
